Pussy Consciousness: An Interview With Kalah Hill

Pussy Consciousness is a concept and course taught by founder and doula Kalah Hill. In this interview, Hill and interviewer Jen Sinkler discuss its background, depth, ideology, and the women behind it.

*Founders' note: We affirm that all experiences of womanhood and personhood are valuable. We understand that "pussy" is both not essential to womanhood and is defined differently by different individuals regardless of anatomy. 

IMG-5215.JPG

Jen Sinkler:

That’s a perfect segue, and I’ve hit record, if that’s all right. I won't use anything you've said up to this point, unless...it’s up to you.

Kalah Hill:
You can use whatever you want.

Jen Sinkler:
Aggressive transparency, I love it.

Kalah Hill:
Yeah, serious. This is the real deal right now, Jenny. I have no other direction than straight-up integrity and authenticity and just opening myself up to the complete unknown.

Jen Sinkler:
I really feel so happy. It’s like what you said earlier, you’re having a great time in your shit, right?

Kalah Hill:
Oh, totally. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.


Pussy

Kalah Hill:
Pussy is both an anatomy and a nonanatomical space. For me it is a physical place of origin where all humans come from. Knowing our place of origin is important. Pussy is also a form of expansive consciousness. When we honor our lineage and where we come from, we can clearly know where we want to go. Making conscious choices that are deliberate and in reverence to that which allowed us to become embodied in the first place is important to distinguish.

While some of us hold the physical anatomy, we all hold within our constitutions the space of conception. Whether that’s actual conception or the conception of a new idea or way of being doesn’t matter. We all have access to pussy as it’s our original home.


Feminine

Kalah Hill:
Femininity, to me, is an expression or experience of an energetic feminine source. The qualities of feminine energy include, creativity, spontaneity, playfulness, freedom, orgasmic, natural, fluid, restful, soft, fierce, nurturer, ecstatic, multifaceted, cyclical, nonlinear, and sublime.

The feminine is the source of inspired action. In our unique expressions of femininity, we can find clarity of action and bring forth that which we want to create in this world. Femininity sets the tone at which our masculine energies are inspired to take linear action. The two need each other in order to self-actualize.

We must start with the feminine so that our actions are in service to creation. Femininity holds a large capacity to encompass the whole of our experience. With this we live, we love, we hurt, we die. Paradox is the reality of the feminine. It’s in these contrasts that our feminine can shine.

The beauty of feminine experience is one that is bittersweet. The feminine revels in all the flavors, smells, and tastes. She inspires books, art, wars, debates, gold medals, and most of all, love. Live a life in service to your feminine and you’ll be free.


Deeper

Jen Sinkler:

When you say pussy consciousness, what do you mean, and what might that look like?

Kalah Hill:
Pussy consciousness is this level of consciousness that embraces that truth, and honors it, and respects it, and celebrates it, and takes pleasure in it, and simultaneously and paradoxically, takes grief in it, takes sorrow, takes sadness, takes pain, and all of the evils and the violence of the world, as well, because those are truths, too, and really, life doesn't leave anything behind. Life is governed by nature, and so we don’t have any control over the laws of nature.

And for me, it’s a level of consciousness where I allow myself to fully embrace those laws of nature, to not try to control them anymore, so that I can actually live, so I can actually let my life speak through me and my life come through me on purpose, always because it always is, always has been.

Somehow, life spoke through us and we became human without any sense of control, without any sense of conditioning, or programming, or understanding of who we were as individuals. It just happened, and that’s what life does, and pussy holds that. It’s one of our greatest access points to that level of consciousness.

Jen Sinkler:
During the course, I recall you talking about a deeper level of consciousness. You didn't say higher. You said deeper.

Kalah Hill:
Deeper, yes. Yes, deeper. So something that’s really common in the personal development, kind of new age-y spiritual world is getting high. Getting high is awesome. LSD was super good for a lot of reasons and helped I think a lot of people get into this level of enlightenment and this understanding of letting go of the mind and the identifications that we have around it, and I think it’s good to traverse the atmosphere and the clouds. I mean, even on a political level we’ve put a lot of money into NASA, for example.

So we engage with space. We engage with getting high quite well, and it’s acceptable as a culture for us to get really high in all different kind of paradigms. You know, climbing mountaintops. I think of all the different ways getting high is supported, and that’s great and needed because it gives us this really broad viewpoint. It gives us this space of how we’re connected to the whole. It’s very broad and macro. Pussy consciousness is kind of...I don’t want to say the opposite of it, because pussy consciousness encompasses that, as well, because it encompasses paradox, but I’m talking about deep dive.

I’m talking about diving to the core and getting to the fire. What sustains.

It’s this experience of going into the deep and maybe not returning. I think about diagnoses such as depression or hysteria. Our culture doesn't really promote us going into these deeper places as often, into these deeper emotions and deeper spaces into the dark. We revere the light and the heavens and getting high.

Pussy is a bit edgy, and the power that’s held there is really sustainable. Slow and steady wins the race. Pussy’s never in a rush. We’re not skyrocketing, you know? We’re not doing that.

We’re really excavating and taking our time. With excavation, you think of archeological digs. You have to be really careful. You can’t just ram a freaking drill into the ground. You have to really manage your dig because there are really beautiful, delicate artifacts underneath that are preserved, and they’re very fragile, but they’re very valuable, right? It’s about remembering that value in going deep and being in the muck, and in the shit, and in the dark, and how traversing that is very different than, you know, skiing down a mountain or whatever the adrenaline rush is for the day.

There’s no end point. It’s really not a goal-oriented way of consciousness. Yeah, I don't know how else to say it other than don’t expect anything. Don’t have a goal towards anything or some sort of idea of an outcome. It’s more playful than that, but it’s also more relaxed in a way, like gentle, and calm. Very feminine. Very deep.

There's not much to say. Like, at that level of depth, you don't really need to talk that much.


Attention

Kalah Hill:

The thing about the feminine that’s awesome and badass is that she is really supportive. She’s really caring, and she’s really nurturing. However, she’s also really fierce and doesn't fuck around. Like, she doesn't fuck around. So if you’re fucking around, she’s going to practice some tough love, and she’s going to flip your shit upside down to wake you up. So it’s this very fierce energy of tough love. It’s like when you see a mom basically being like, do not touch that hot stove, it will burn you, it’s like, wow, you wake up, you know?

And it’s all out of love, this really fierce kind of mama love that’s tough, a not-in-my-house kind of thing.


Meditation

Kalah Hill:
I had been doing a daily self-pleasure practice, which comes and goes for me throughout my whole life. So I’m very skilled and I’ve had a lot of practice, so that on top of the meditation, on top of the surrender of asking, “What is my purpose? Speak through me,” my daily prayers and intentions are always around the questions, “How can I be of service? What wants to come through me?”


Clarity

Kalah Hill: All of my external kind of grasping and my external hooks really fell away, and all I had was this really empty dark space to be in, and I let myself go there probably for the first time in my life.

I felt I had the reserves and the strength in place with all the practices I had been doing that I could go so deep into grief and so deep into sadness that I knew that I would be okay. I had complete faith the whole time. I knew that it was a massive opportunity for me, and I spoke to it in that way from day one. Then, because I know as a postpartum doula that self-care goes out the window when you’re in the depths of something so vulnerable, that you need community care at that point. So my friends, my lovely, lovey, beautiful friends were there, and I called them in.

IMG-5218.JPG

Sadness is super clear. When you’re sad, you’re not bullshitting yourself at all, and you can actually receive a lot of really valuable nuggets of information about the truth in deep sadness. Sadness is super honest. So I went there.

It’s absolutely beautiful, and so that’s what happens when you go to the spaces that are scary and dark. You actually start to remember that love is the truth of everything.


Grief

Jen Sinkler:

You know that in your class, I’d been expecting to check out my pussy in the mirror all the time — which did happen — but pussy consciousness was not even close to being about sex, or sex alone, because you really took me through a lot of my own grief, different injuries at different points of my life that I had been really attached to.

I’m still peeling back my own grip on habits and patterns that had been playing out at each level. Each of the spirals gets deeper, and looking at the grief was a big part of what we did.

Well, that’s what I did, that’s not what everybody has to do, though, right? You don’t even pretend to put this idea of pussy consciousness into a package like, “Here’s what you’ll get!” It’s like, fuck, who knows? Let’s find out.

Kalah Hill:
Let’s find out. Exactly. Let’s find out. Are you ready? You know, are you ready for the invitation to say yes to the love that is there for you in every moment? And love is not about butterflies, and unicorns, and fairies all the time. It can be, but love is all encompassing. Love remembers that every single moment of your life has been on purpose since the big bang fucking theory, or the first orgasm, which I call the big bang. It’s always been on purpose, and coming back to remembering that is needed to be done in support of other people.

This is not something that we do alone. We need each other, and I think we’ve forgotten that in a lot of ways, and that’s why a lot of people aren’t at peace, because we’ve been told a lot of bullshit about charging forward, and doing it on your own, and hard work pays off, and grind, grind, grind, and don’t feel too much. Don’t think too much. Don't engage too much, because it’s a scary, scary world. We’ve been repressed, repressed, repressed, repressed, and we’ve forgotten the truth of our expansive nature and our ability to really go to some far out, deep fucking places.


Spontaneous
Costa Rica is such a place of healing. Always has been, always will be. Many, many people come down specifically to Guanacaste region for healing, and it’s just a magical, special place. I didn't know where I was going to live. I was like, maybe British Columbia, maybe Costa Rica. After being down here for two days, it was like a no-brainer. I was like, yes, and honestly, my pussy told me.

About two years ago now, I started to have just spontaneous orgasms occur, and a lot of times it would happen when I was driving. They say that the Kundalini rising or the Shakti rising happens when you’re doing something that you don't have to think about too much. Driving is very familiar, and many of us can kind of drive without thinking too hard about it, and so a lot of this would happen in the car, and I remember talking to my friends like, is this normal?

It starts with a tingling sensation in my pussy like an orgasm, like I’m starting to get turned on, and then it builds, and builds and builds, and it’s almost like a wavelike state, and I have to breathe or else I’m going to come in public, or you know, at a yoga class, and I have to concentrate. I start really breathing into it, and I started to do meditation around it every time it would spontaneously arise, and I started to gain a sense of control over the direction of it.

I started to bring it up as opposed to down and out. Instead of releasing the pleasure, I started to sustain it. I started to breathe it up and in and maintain this higher energy. My postpartum doula training was really opening for me, super healing.


The first weekend training I did was in Philly, and it was super fun. I got some badass doulas in Philly if you ever need them. Really amazing birth community there.

So I did my training with Beth, this fiery redheaded Aries, all tatted up. She’s had three kids. She’s delivered over 500 babies. She’s just badass. So I go to this training. I had my Airbnb. I got kind of a nice one with a bathtub, you know, just to treat myself for the weekend, and after the first day, I broke down. It broke open a piece of me that I had been really resistant to breaking open around lineage and family and around some family traumas as a child.

And old, old stuff came up from when my mom was pregnant with me, stuff that was happening when I was in the womb space, the energy that I was picking up of my mom not having a partner, no one being there to support her, and how that fear translated through to my experience. One of my deepest desires is to take care of my mother. So of course I’m going to be a postpartum doula, right? I want to take care of the mamas.

When I got home and was digesting it all and letting it go through me, that’s when I started having spontaneous orgasms, that’s when this pleasure center reopened in some way. It was pretty trippy and intense, and it started happening in my dreams, full-on orgasmic dreams. I mean, that had always been quite accessible to me, especially as a child. It very much reminds me of how I was when I was a kid, to be honest, because I was in this state at age five very easily. It was almost like my body was remembering on a very visceral, neurological, physiological, biochemical level. My body changed.

When I came to Costa Rica, I had been practicing this orgasmic state, controlling it and also being able to bring it up. Essentially I could start breathing, and I could bring it up, and I could come without even touching myself. So I’d practiced for a while harnessing it, and when I came down here, I was doing a lot of stuff on the beach, near the ocean.

Water is a big one for me. Water helps activate it and just being on the ocean, and putting my hands in the sand, and having the water rush over me and through me was  full-fledged orgasmic ecstasy, like, yes, yes, yes, this is where my body wants to be in every moment. Like, please, can we live here? Please, please, please? I don’t know how else to send the signals. This is a direct signal. It’s like air control, air control, please land. Please land here.

This is where you’re meant to land, and I said yes to her, and I’ve never felt more of a sense of place in my life ever than I do now in this moment.


Privilege

Kalah Hill:
My pussy told me to move here, and I listened, and it’s awesome, and I don’t know if I explained pussy consciousness at all.

Jen Sinkler:
You did. It’s different for everyone, right?

Kalah Hill:
It is. It’s different for everyone. Every woman is unique unto herself. Every human is unique unto themselves, and no one will ever have your experience, you know? No one’s ever going to know what it’s like to be Jenny. Only you get to know that. It’s so special and so not unique because everybody has it. Do you know what I mean? It’s so special because it’s different for everyone, but it’s not unique. It’s not special in the sense of only you have it. It’s special because it’s unique unto you.

Jen Sinkler:
Your path is your path, essentially.

Kalah Hill:
Your path is your path, and the only person who truly gets to love you fully is you because you’re the only person who really knows you. I don't know what it’s like to be you, and I can love you for all the things that I perceive in you and all the things that I understand through my own perceptions and my own lens, and I can love you from that space, but I can never love you from you, which is the biggest opportunity and the biggest privilege, I believe, of being alive.

And if we’re not taking advantage of that privilege, we are doing a disservice to ourselves first, then to other people in our lives, and then to the planet as a whole. Taking on the responsibility of getting to know yourself means access that you have to yourself that no one else has. Taking advantage of that is where we’re going with pussy consciousness.


Kalah Hill:
There are layers, and the layers involve a lot of external privileges that have to do with injustice and inequalities, our hierarchical system, and a lot of them are illusory and true at the same time.

Let’s take white privilege, for example. White privilege is a truth. It’s a construct of the social norms that we live in. It’s a construct of our external realities and the hierarchies that we’re involved in socially. The only power that’s in it is accessing the platform that you have within the confines of the social structure in which we live so that you can service others from that platform, but that platform is not real. Everyone’s equal. You know what I mean? That platform is only real because we created it so.


Jen Sinkler:
I’m curious about how to navigate being injured and also exploring yourself.

Kalah Hill:
You navigate it by trusting that you can hold the brevity of it. Pussy consciousness teaches us that we have so much more capacity than we know, than what we’ve been told that we have. It is completely possible for you to respect the paradigms of this current reality while simultaneously understanding that it’s all fucking bullshit. It is completely possible.

We have been so conditioned for it to be either/or, and that is false.

It doesn't mean you’re not taking responsibility. People think it’s like about going into the mountains and disappearing. That’s not how you get to know yourself. That’s so not it. Pussy consciousness is like, yes, we focus on the self, and it’s so much about relating. The consequences of getting to know yourself actually make you a more active person.

Jen Sinkler:
Because you’re plugged in.

Kalah Hill:
Yes, because you’re plugged in. You’re turned on. You’re fucking able to traverse landscapes that you never even thought you would go to, and you’re like, suited up. You’re suited up and fucking ready to go, you know, when you access that privilege of self. It’s like the mothership. To me, it’s the root. It’s the core.

Community

Kalah Hill:

The feminine is the inspiration. So the feminine is the inspiration to action, and I’m talking energetic, so I’m not just talking women and men and everyone, but I’m saying that women have a stronger access point. Hence why I’m starting with women. So with the stronger access point, women can really access their feminine because we already embody feminine even though we have been conditioned rigorously to not do so. We’ve been burned for doing so. We have literally been killed. We have been abused. We have been tarnished. We have been violated. We have been under scrutiny for centuries for accessing our feminine.

So there’s a lot of trauma associated with us uncovering and unmasking ourselves, and so this is why it’s so important for us to get the support that we need and to show up as we are, because if we’re not showing up as we are, we’re not doing the work.

I’m asking you to be here with us as we traverse this really fucking scary landscape. We need each other.


Relating

Kalah Hill:

We have deep beliefs about how we’re supposed to be in almost every way that we relate.

You realize that it’s not you. It’s your programming.


Fire

Kalah Hill:

There’s a fierceness. Nurturance and care and respect, as well as this fierce fire that never really goes out, and I don’t see it going out ever again in my lifetime. I’m just happy to be in this space of knowing that this is me fully engaged with purpose and having such clarity around why I’m here.

I need everything prior to this moment to be in this moment, so it just opens so much trust for me in the process. I really trust all of it now.


 

IMG-5222.jpg

Kalah Hill

As a bisexual, biracial woman of color, Kalah Hill knows it is her responsibility to activate compassion, freedom, and truth within herself and within others. The potent medicine of compassion comes from radical self-love. As the founder of Pussy Consciousness, her intention is to reclaim the wisdom and integrity of the feminine. She lives in Costa Rica. Find her at @kalah.hill on Instagram. 

Sinkler Bio Photo.jpg

Jen Sinkler

 Jen Sinkler is a longtime writer, editor, and personal trainer based in Philadelphia. Her strength website, Unapologetically Strong, offers a number of different portals into strength training. Find her most everyplace @jensinkler.