FANTASY/NOW

Excerpt from “Love All The Way” a memoir

By Erin Clark


“Do you want to go out or do you want to crash?” Mau asks. The Mr. and Mrs. Smith shoot is finished. My shoes are tossed under the table beside the bed. I’m looking at my pile of clothes thrown all over the couch thinking of what I might change into. Wondering how to get from my chair against Mau’s body now that we’re alone. Now that it would be for the two of us.

“I want to crash.” I say.

He lifts me swiftly from my wheelchair to the bed and starts kissing me on the way. My dress falls open across my hips.

He is still in his suit. Just like in the fantasy I’ve masturbated to for months: He comes home from work. He can’t help it, can’t wait, doesn’t even take his suit off. Jacket. Tie. Kneels in front of me. Pulls my hips toward him. Wordless. Spreads my legs around his shoulders and kisses up.

Now, it is happening. He is wearing a suit. Jacket. Tie. I am wearing a black dress with a slit to my thigh. Mau is kissing me and pulling my underwear down with one, slow finger. He is sprawled on his stomach, in his suit. Pulling my legs open, ducking under one of my knees and kissing up. My legs press against his cheeks. My legs can squeeze his face but can’t pull away again. He presses his nose into me.

Fantasy, his beard electric and precisely soft, brushing my stomach, my hip bone, on my right side. His beard where I can feel it on my legs with their particular trails of perfect sensation, some no wider than a fingertip.

Now, his beard is a muted smoothness on the inside of my thigh, left side. Sensation slightly dull. My legs with their trails where I can’t feel temperature or pressure or fingertips.

Fantasy. Hot mouth. Wet mouth. His thick lips in the dip between my pubic bone and leg. The tendon that clenches, right side. Sucking me into his mouth. His mouth where I can feel it.

Now. Hot mouth. Wet mouth. His thick lips where I can’t feel it when he slips across my right outer lip. My paralysis narrowly misses my clitoris. His mouth where I can feel it when he opens me with it. Sucking me in. His tongue inside me.

Fantasy. His hands where I can feel them. Gripping mine. I press into them to leverage my hips. Push myself harder against his mouth. His hand where I can feel it, cradling my head so I can watch him.

Now. His hands where I can feel them. Pulling my tube-dress down to my stomach. Pressing up my torso, brushing my nipples. Interlocking his fingers with mine. I grip his hands, press into them, leverage my hips so I can push myself harder against his mouth. His hand where I can feel it, cradling my head so I can watch him.

Now. His eyes where I can feel them. Looking up at me.

He sees me. He found me. He knows.

His touch blinks off and on across my hips and thighs like fireflies flashing for their mates in a spread of dark grass. My body is a meadow and his touch is a million fireflies. Paralysis takes away feeling, but it doesn’t take away significance. When I can’t feel him touching me, I feel him with me. Atmospheric contact. An ether of want.

Fantasy. I come on my hand. I curl into my own arm. I wonder what he’s doing where he is. An ocean away from me and not yet my lover.

His mouth. His hands. His eyes.

Now, I come. Now, I come. Now, I come. His mouth. His hands. His eyes.

Now, he laps softly. Tender kisses inside me. Now, slow brushes of his lips “shhhhhing” right into my skin. Now, he rises up to kiss me, I lick myself off his lips, his beard. I take off his tie. Start to unbutton his shirt. He presses his hand on mine to stop me. I pant into his chest. Now he holds me with weight. He strokes me down, shoulders, neck, my back. Wordless. He soothes my orgasms into me. 

Now.

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Erin Clark

is an International Sex Icon and Canadian currently living in Spain where she is already the Spanish National and World Champion Wheelchair pole dancer and is currently learning how to fly a wheelchair as a paragliding pilot in Andalucia. She writes, takes selfies, and makes films of her life as she lives it. And she lives it as sexily and iconically as possible. You can find her on instagram at @erinunleashes and her website. Her full memoir is available here.